Sunday was my 33rd birthday. It came a lot quieter this year. In part, that was due to my sheer exhaustion from the past few months. I just didn't have time to truly think about or prepare for the day.
After my vacation in July, I am not sure where I went to. I retreated to someplace, a place where I was on autopilot. And it seemed never-ending. Do this, do that, here is another thing that simply has to be done. No time. Though, I think it all started long before my vacation. The expenditure of energy continued with hardly any refill. Add to that, a lot of letting go and so, for the past couple of weeks, I have felt like a shell of myself. Last Sunday, my brain literally shut off. I knew it was happening and I had to let it.
It is not exactly how one wants to feel on their birthday. This all may sound depressing, but it is life and it is actually a process of transformation. Emptying out, in order to bring in better things. I took a deep breath on Friday, as I relaxed by a bubbling creek in Western PA. I was there to join in the celebration of a good friend's wedding. Then I was there sitting on the periphery listening to these amazing people and feeling the incredible energy and love in the air. I felt myself beginning again.
I was engaging, being able to express myself, to speak fully and intelligently, to feel the goodness all around. Saturday morning I hiked through the woods and discovered mushrooms galore.
Sitting on the boulders talking with chickadees and soaking in sunshine.
I felt close to my self again. But, I knew that there was more to let go.
Celebration came with signs of balance and connection. Games and fun. No inhibitions on the dance floor while moving to the sounds of Ikebe. A shooting star and being deliriously happy for my friends.
I slipped into quietness on midnight - almost empty.
I dreamt of being spun in spiderwebs, lying on my bed like a mummy. Slowly, a candle at each of my swirling centers of energy was lit and I felt the warmth. And today, I am in bed - sick. The spirochetes are in full force, plus a head cold. Yet, I don't mind. I am feeling something.
I am beginning...again.
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